No amount of retail therapy could make her smile as brightly as how he could tease the corners of her mouth. Even when his volatile temper begins to seep and wreck what is weak in the relationship, she continued to stay because five years is not short, and this is her longest-lasting relationship. So she stayed.

To manage a relationship between two persons were never easy to begin with. Clichéd, but true. Don’t you ever wish there is some sort of device that can link the two of you via satellite and enable you to listen to each other’s thoughts in your heads? At the moment, I’m feeling precisely it.

I don’t understand how can someone who claims to love, who laughs at your silliness and want to protect you, who hugs you with such strength that melts your legs way, who talks about his dreams and vision for his future – a future with you, can travel all the way from his workplace to your station, hand the keys to you and turn to leave. Well, the man in question did not leave right away because his lady was thick-faced enough to call out and asked if he would like to lunch together. So they had lunch.

Afterwhich, he decided he could not stay any longer, declined to rest at her place because he wants to be home, albeit suggesting earlier that the both of them could haunt Vivo and spend some time together.

She doesn’t understand. Still, she battles her reluctance and nodded her agreement, and then she walked out of the exit without turning back. Because she cannot understand.

So pretty, she makes me feel giddy. Why don’t I have big eyes like her?!

‘I do.’ She remained across the room. It seemed better that way. She didn’t know what he would do when he heard the truth, but she felt certain he wouldn’t want to be near her. ‘You see … I just didn’t think about it at the time. I was only eighteen.’

‘Eighteen?’ he repeated, perplexed. ‘What are you talking about?’

‘An abortion,’ she said. She went no further. She knew she would not have to. He would complete the rest of the story himself.

She saw him do so quickly. He flinched. His face blanched. He stood abruptly.

‘I couldn’t tell you, Simon,’ she whispered. ‘I couldn’t. it was the only thing you never knew. So many times I wanted to … but I knew what it would do to you … what you would think. And now … Oh God, I’ve destroyed us.’

‘Did he know?’ St James asked numbly. ‘Does he know now?’

‘I never told him.’

He took a single step towards her. ‘Why not? He would have married you, Deborah. He wanted to marry you. What would it have mattered to him if you were pregnant? He wouldn’t have cared. He would have been overjoyed. You would have been giving him exactly what he wanted in the first place. Yourself and an heir. Why didn’t you tell him?’

‘You know why.’

‘I don’t.’

‘It was you.’ She broke. ‘You know it was you.’

‘What do you mean?’ he demanded.

‘I loved you. Not Tommy. I loved you. Always. You know that.’ Sobs grew, leaving her incapable of speech. Still, she tried. ‘I thought … it wasn’t real to me then … and you were always … I wanted … you were the only one … Always. But I was alone … and those years when you wouldn’t write to me … So he came to America … You know the rest … I didn’t … he was someone …’

She heard him move then, heard his uneven footsteps rapidly strike the wooden floor. For a moment she thought he was leaving the room. It was, after all, what she deserved. But then he was next to her, pulling her into his arms.

‘Deborah. God. Deborah.’ His hands were in her hair, pressing her head against his shoulder. She felt the forceful pounding of his heart. His words were ragged. ‘What have I done to you?’

She could only say, ‘Nothing. Nothing.’

He held her fiercely. ‘I did everything wrong. Everything backwards. And you bore the brunt of it all. my fear, my confusion, my doubt. All of it. For three rotten years. I’m so sorry, my love.’ And then again, lifting her face, ‘My love.’

‘The photograph …’

‘It meant nothing. I know that now. You were looking at the past. That has nothing to do with the future.’

It took more than a moment for the import of his words to strike her. His hands were on her face, his fingers wiping away her tears. He said her name. it was a shaken whisper.

Her eyes filled again. ‘How can you forgive me? How can I ask that of you?’

‘Forgive?’ He sounded incredulous. ‘Deborah, for God’s sake, that was six years ago. You were only eighteen. You were a different person. The past is nothing. Only the present and the future matter. Surely you know that by now.’

‘I don’t see … How can we ever be what we were to each other? How can we go on?’

He pulled her close. ‘By going on.’

The sea is calm to-night,
The tide is full, the moon lies fair
Upon the straits; — on the French coast the light
Gleams and is gone; the cliffs of England stand,
Glimmering and vast, out in the tranquil bay.
Come to the window, sweet is the night-air!
Only, from the long line of spray
Where the sea meets the moon-blanch’d land,
Listen! you hear the grating roar
Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling,
At their return, up the high strand,
Begin, and cease, and then again begin,
With tremulous cadence slow, and bring
The eternal note of sadness in.

Sophocles long ago
Heard it on the Aegean, and it brought
Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow
Of human misery; we
Find also in the sound a thought,
Hearing it by this distant northern sea.
The sea of faith
Was once, too, at the full, and round earth’s shore
Lay like the folds of a bright girdle furl’d.
But now I only hear
Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,
Retreating, to the breath
Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear
And naked shingles of the world.

Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.

- Matthew Arnold

Baby left me for the embrace of the salty sea breeze for the weekend. For the next 96 hours, I’ll be left to my own devices. When nightmares come to plague, I will have no comfort from his soothing voice…

Nightmares seem to visit my almost every night. It has nothing to do with ghoulish visuals or heart-wrenching storylines. But more of gripping terror of silly stuffs… like all my teeth falling off and finally grow so senile one day that I won’t remember to keep my mouth shut when I stare idly. Or simply opening my eyes to realize the fear of losing Iz was unreal. I wonder if it is a sign of stress? I used to be dreams-free once I fall into the oblivion of sleep, but nowadays complete and ample rest eludes me. I think every morning I wake up feeling more depleted than the night before.

Maybe I’m troubled by my own failures or my own inadequacies. Maybe I’m just insecure. Maybe I feel harassed. But I certainly don’t feel alone anymore. I must at least admit that I have changed, not the clingy girl I used to be. Of course I still take whatever conveniences offered to me, but that is because I never took gender equality at face value. I much prefer to be doted and pampered and given in to. Hah!

Feeling blue, but at the same time trying to enjoy my solitude. I guess I can get used to some me-time…

Within the span if 2 weeks, I have added 3 new dresses, 2 new gowns, 3 new tops, 2 new skirts and 1 new jacket to my meager but ever-expanding wardrobe. And I didn’t pay a cent! I SO love handmedowns. Because they are not the conformed to any one trend of this moment, I feel so individual, ya know?

Yep! I love abo and ma cousin! Yesh dump me all yer too big/too small to fit in old clothes that were worn less than 2 times. Woohoo!

What happens when…

… meets this….

We shall all find out if both of them survives or one of them goes back to its maker on 28 Dec 2007. I have the feeling that I will be the one to meet my maker instead. Oh man.

I just spent a small bomb on a haircut and a big bomb on facials. I don’t know what to think except that the older I get, the more I spend.

Ain’t that dandy? Pfft.

Maybe when my face is proudly clear of ALL acnes and ugly pimple scars, I will proudly show my face off to the world, again. Which reminds me, I haven’t taken a picture with the boyfriend since eons ago.

Can’t wait for a blemish-free complexion!

Damn this! I tried looking for this aforementioned book and so far, no luck at all. I must say out of the not so many authors I read, (I really only read books according to authors’ appraisals) she is the only writer who manages to clip me to my seat so tight with suspense WITHOUT the use of any sexual context. Also, somehow I think she crafts her main character, Kay Scarpetta, in her own image. I don’t know for sure but she sure does look like the description of her well-loved doctor.

I’ve been soooo… unproductive. Meh. I need some spice to life. Oh wells, I need to finish up my driving course and make plans to seriously save up! Just today I spent 200+ bucks.

Apparently, the very vain boyfriend has been publicizing my blog through the convenient mention of my beloved son, Shippo. So, hi folks! I know your favourites are still the bastard bf post. Yeah yeah, mine too.

I am so tempted to buy the DS Lite because the BrainAge game stroked my ego to no end. “Your brain is 208g, really heavy!”

Korkor says I need to lose weight. Everytime I see him I seem to gain abit more weight, so maybe I am gaining weight even when I’m digesting food, it seems. Either his eyes are cock-eye, or his standards as high as Everest, or I have really bad metabolism. Or maybe, I just have too strong a snack-tooth. Boo. =[

I want more money in my savings! Hurhur.

Thank you God. What amazing grace!

Three blows, with two of them consecutively hit me within 2 weeks. At times I thought I would succumb to the devil’s scheme and lose all hope. But I stubbornly hang on to You dear God. You are mighty to save.

And I shall always remember: God is in control, I shall trust in Him.